an insight into myself. okay, i can do this. i’m not really sure why i feel i need to, but hey ho.

for years i’ve struggled with who i am, because, well, who the hell am i?

i’m an 18 year old girl, no, an 18 year old college drop out, forced into recluse by her own crippling anxiety issues and subdued into silence by her own thought process. sometimes i look into the mirror and i see exactly what i want to see, but i’m not seeing the reflection; i’ve painted myself a picture of what i always planned to look like at this age, and in a blink of my eyes, it’s gone. and i can see myself.
the problem is, i’m just so plain.
so undeniably and mutedly plain.
i don’t stand out in a crowd, and i wish i did.

i guess that’s why i use my brilliant, and i do know it’s brilliant, sense of humour. kind of a defence mechanism against the knowledge that i’ll never be that girl.

i’ll never be the one people point out, the one people gossip about and tell interesting stories about.

i’m worried i’ll be this girl forever.

it fucking terrifies me.